Category: emotional

Since I First Saw You

In the end, we are all alone. As I drive along that empty road, I can see the gumusservi in the lake by the road. Such an alluring sight. It is said that the famous Japanese novelist and teacher, Natsume Soseki, disliked the use of the traditional “I love you” and approved with a fine replacement- “The moon is beautiful?”- because he felt that one could understand it’s true meaning, even without using the words of love, because of its simplicity and gracefulness.


That’s when I look at the moon shining above me and wish you were beside me. I would love you, make the moment shine, I’d make you fall in love with me and yourself. A first love. Whenever I think of you, I can feel the ecstasy in my heart, the feel of that spring’s breeze, I relive it all.


That day when I first saw you. I hadn’t even seen your face, but I’d fallen for you. Your eyes were the most charming thing in the world. And the way you looked at me for the first time, even though it was just for a short second, I smiled. And today, I smile at the memory. I was trapped with difficulties in my life. But even a glimpse of you made my day. And you, you had no idea. How much I loved you. To every other person, I was just a person, and so were they to me, but whenever I thought about you, I was ready to leave everything. Then came the days when we knew each other. When we did those sums, then ran away to the coffee shop and talked the whole night on the rooftop. When we got closer. When you learnt the guitar for me. When we both loved each other. And then, when we faced each other’s weaknesses. Only for a short while, but I’d do anything to relive those moments.


But, you liked someone else. Well, I told you about my feelings. But I wasn’t sad. I really loved you. I’d have loved you no matter what. I’d just be happy if you did what you wanted. And my first love was my only one till now. Even till today I have not forgotten you. I was bound to your heart. Torn, ripped pulled apart. My love was like wildfire. But then it went from crazy to silent- just to see you happy. I still remember your  smile. Even when everyone told me, I can find many more, I knew, I was attracted, like a magnet, to you. And only you. I tried so hard, so hard to forget you. 


It’s funny, really, if we look at love and it’s plans. I’m sorry, but my heart still beats a leap whenever I run into you. Maybe today is just another day, but there still is this saudade, when I put in meraki into wanting you. Maybe one day I’ll be the star you’ll be looking up to. I wanted you to want me. Was that too wrong? But maybe my feelings were a burden. But for me they were elysian emotions. Moments I cherished. These memories are just a reminiscence of our time together. The moments I lived and enjoyed with you. 


I want to get over you, so I won’t tell you anymore. Maybe one day my heart will finally forget you and stop wanting you. But I’d have to say, one’s first love is hard and enduring, it teaches us a lot. But when asked about love and of its failure or success, I would only suggest you to wait for the future to enfold itself.

Gumusservi- moonlight shining on water

Elysian- beautiful or creative, divinely inspired, peaceful and perfect

Meraki- the soul, creativity or love put into something

Saudade- a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant or that has been loved and then lost, “the love that remains”

The Last Spring Day

The heart leaps and flutter. The wind stops to stutter. Honestly, I had expected better than this. You know that feeling when emotions overflow making you feel confused, exhausted and misjudged? That’s what I feel right now.

I feel sonder. Now, all urban dictionaries will tell you that the word means “that each passerby has his own life”. But then, what about mine? Is my life not important because others have one too? Am I not as important as others? Am I nothing?

Why am I made to suffer so much? It hurts me too, especially when I’m all alone. I’m alone not because I need space, but because there is no one beside me.

At some time, way before all this started, I was better. Much better. So, what is happening now?

As always, the floodgates of emotions open. The only difference this time- they are being headed by regret, the worst monarch of them all. I don’t even know what’s going on in my surroundings anymore. I feel like I’m inside myself now. Ambedo. Maybe I should think about this. Was I somehow inept, was I unable to handle everything, no, anything around me? Did I enjoy a bit too much? Why did I not succeed in this even once?

Ah, here ti starts all over again. I start blaming. Myself. This feeling- where I am the competitor, but there is no enemy- is known as fear, isn’t it? The clock is not still, it’s running. But I cannot let this pass. This cannot just be made the past so easily. I need to do something, to end the regret, be myself and live freely.

Through the clouds, in the wind, I can still see a ray of sunshine.- which is so much brighter than here.

Life, I’d say, is always the same- much brighter when we focus, believe and then achieve what we want.

So regret, I’ve had enough of you, come another day- but only when I deserve you, and for a short while. Because right now, I can’t afford to focus on negativities. Right now, I have to let my soul fly free again. Right now, I have to work hard and do well. And most importantly, right now, I have to be happy.

x

Ambedo- the kind of melancholic trance in which you become absorbed in vivid sensory details (like raindrops skittering down a window) which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life.

Sonder– the realization that each random passerby is living life as complex and vivid as yours (populated with their own ambitions, friends. worries, routines and inherited craziness)