The heart leaps and flutter. The wind stops to stutter. Honestly, I had expected better than this. You know that feeling when emotions overflow making you feel confused, exhausted and misjudged? That’s what I feel right now.

I feel sonder. Now, all urban dictionaries will tell you that the word means “that each passerby has his own life”. But then, what about mine? Is my life not important because others have one too? Am I not as important as others? Am I nothing?

Why am I made to suffer so much? It hurts me too, especially when I’m all alone. I’m alone not because I need space, but because there is no one beside me.

At some time, way before all this started, I was better. Much better. So, what is happening now?

As always, the floodgates of emotions open. The only difference this time- they are being headed by regret, the worst monarch of them all. I don’t even know what’s going on in my surroundings anymore. I feel like I’m inside myself now. Ambedo. Maybe I should think about this. Was I somehow inept, was I unable to handle everything, no, anything around me? Did I enjoy a bit too much? Why did I not succeed in this even once?

Ah, here ti starts all over again. I start blaming. Myself. This feeling- where I am the competitor, but there is no enemy- is known as fear, isn’t it? The clock is not still, it’s running. But I cannot let this pass. This cannot just be made the past so easily. I need to do something, to end the regret, be myself and live freely.

Through the clouds, in the wind, I can still see a ray of sunshine.- which is so much brighter than here.

Life, I’d say, is always the same- much brighter when we focus, believe and then achieve what we want.

So regret, I’ve had enough of you, come another day- but only when I deserve you, and for a short while. Because right now, I can’t afford to focus on negativities. Right now, I have to let my soul fly free again. Right now, I have to work hard and do well. And most importantly, right now, I have to be happy.

x

Ambedo- the kind of melancholic trance in which you become absorbed in vivid sensory details (like raindrops skittering down a window) which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life.

Sonder– the realization that each random passerby is living life as complex and vivid as yours (populated with their own ambitions, friends. worries, routines and inherited craziness)